What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 02:41
I was seconnd youngest,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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This is soul school!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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I said to her
We all went to grammer schools
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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Ive learnt so much.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Put me off passion for life!!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Why cant I ever fall asleep with my boyfriend?
I don,t even have a pension.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She married twice! .
So, i spoilt her more .
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But, we were locked up after school.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My life is so biszare .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I think the readers, may guess!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And i lived it daily.
She loved him until the end.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
(And it was in our own minds.)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But it wasn’t much.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I could never make a relationship work though!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
I waited trembling.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He resisted the act ,that day.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I write beautiful poetry .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I will be 64.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Would this be the day?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My family never makes their pension either.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
When she asked me how she looked .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
All the time i was locked up.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One cannot live in the past .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was scared of men, in general
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It was going to be , some day.
He knew the spot.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I have no regrets .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Comes on , in middle age.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We were not on the streets..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
What did i know ?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Was to survive, this bastard.
She found it foreign!.
She was in good health!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i do to all so called friends.?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im still living with it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She wouldn,t have been !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
So whats the point in blame.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Who then, do I blame.?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was 9 years of age.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But ive been too sick for many years..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!